Sorry, I lost my voice….My break from blogging.

Is it April, really? I mean, I had a new year’s resolution to blog more often and you’re telling me it’s been 3 1/2 months since my last post? Wha?
I have pondered my blog-dom and wondered what would possibly keep me from the beloved annals of whereverthere (I have always wanted to use that word in a sentence.)

Writer’s block? Nope. I have pages of scrawled notes and post-its of things I intended to write.  Such never-read favorites as “Walking Dead Man’s Party” and “the Day we Ate the Easter Bunny.”

Too busy to write? Nope. I am, in fact, ALWAYS too busy to write but that never stopped me before.

Lost my limbs in a tragic tubing accident and have postponed blogging until I become proficient at nose-typing? uhh…nope.

Though I stammered excuses to the maybe 2 people who asked why I wasn’t blogging, I didn’t have a good answer.  Then, I finally figured it out…I lost my voice.

This may not be my most adventurous of posts, but I imagine other people out there have had this happen so I decided to explore it.

Have you ever stopped doing something because you knew you weren’t the best at it? Because you thought it didn’t matter to anyone? Because so many other people did it that you figured you wouldn’t be missed or even noticed?  Have you ever dismissed your thoughts as tiny and unoriginal? Have you ever thought your life was so small and ordinary that no one would ever want to read about it? Or hear about it? Or own your action figure? Okay, getting off track.

I was literally talked out of blogging by a little voice inside my head.  I cringe to think of all the other projects/paths/accomplishments that voice has persuaded me to abandon.

I serve in the young women’s organization in my area (my favorite place to serve!) and get to know the youth pretty well. They call me spider legs. Compliment? We spend a lot of time trying to instill in the girls a sense of their worth and divine nature. We invest much thought and prayer trying to figure out how to prepare them for their dazzling futures.  Sometimes, as a youth leader, I feel so focused on their potential, their possibilities, that I end up feeling like the discounted loaf of wonder bread…a little past my date.

I don’t think it is unusual to feel incredibly ordinary, uncommonly common. To feel a little passed by, like you could have done more or been more.  I wonder if this feeling is an everyone thing or a stay at home mom thing. Or a me thing.

I stopped blogging because everything I started to write screamed at me that it had been done before and been said better by someone else. Probably a lot of someone elses.  I told myself that it was arrogant to think any of my little misadventures deserved the time it takes to be read, let alone the time it takes to write. I told myself I had too many other things to do that were more practical. I kept telling myself it didn’t matter anyway.

But guess what?  It did matter…to me!  I would never say this out loud, but I love to write! Even just writing those words makes me nervous because I can feel expectations hanging in the air.  But there it is.  I love to write.  It makes me feel good.  It helps me process things.  It commemorates moments, moments that may not be earth shattering but that nonetheless make up my life.

So there,” I told that little voice.

How can I tell the youth in my ‘hood how valuable and infinitely worthy they are if I give up on myself so easily! I once cynically said that all I did was encourage young women to grow up to be women to encourage young women.  I hate it when that little voice leaks out of my own mouth as sarcasm.  What an awesome thing to grow up, to survive the perilous gauntlet of adolescence and be able to share some survival tips! What I have to realize is that it doesn’t mean my journey ended.  Quite the opposite! I read back over my old blog posts and realized how much learning I did in JUST ONE YEAR!  How much more do I get to do in the future? Writing helped me shove that little voice. And amazingly, for all the CS Lewis, Mother Theresa and Parade Magazine I read, it was MY writing that did it!

I often get lost in other people’s projects. This is not a complaint. I love that I have an interesting resume made up of other people’s visions. I get to play a part in their adventures.  And then there are my projects, built to help shape and strengthen my family.  Little undertakings, like, you know A BARNYARD!!  And our whole food lifestyle. And my family itself!  I am passionate about these, it is true.

But blogging…see that is just for me.  I wish I could say I had an epic novel on the horizon (congrats to Charity, by the way, on the upcoming release of her first book!!!)  I wish I wrote a column in a credible publication of some kind.  But every time I hit “publish” on a blog post, I get a tingle of accomplishment.  I wrote SOMETHING.  Isn’t that what writer’s do?

So brace yourself, little voice; my intense red-headed mommy voice is much louder than you, just ask my kids.  I am telling you to shut it. I don’t have to be the best or the most original. I don’t have to rock the blogosphere. I just gotta be me. Ahhh…at last something I am the best at!

8 comments on “Sorry, I lost my voice….My break from blogging.

  1. If you love writing then I think that it doesn’t matter if you do it on a blog or a piece of napking as long as you do it. It is not that uncommon (at least not to me) to feel somehow insecure about your writing (or about anything really) but it is important to learn from these feelings and get over them or at least learn to work with them. Good luck, then!

  2. That Catherine Girl on said:

    Wow Kristin – you inspire me!

  3. Charity on said:

    Kristin, oh, we have so much to talk about. Because I’ve obviously been in the same voiceless place as you. I love this post. Getting glimpses into your projects and adventures is one of my favorite things. I’m so glad you’re writing again!

  4. Sandy on said:

    Kristin, you have a great gift in your writing! You encourage and inspire others! YOU are AMAZING!!

  5. You are funny, love you!

  6. lisa mercer on said:

    Ahhh, I knew I was missing something in my life and now I know what. Your posts are always fun to read am I am glad you’re back. Don’t stop, those of us with mundane city lives need the hilarity of your barnyard. :)

  7. I missed you!!! I LOVE your posts and had wondered why the silence. I also feel that way about my tiny family blog, but decided that if only the grandmas read it and someday I get around to making a blog book it will be worth it. So you see you have at least seven people on here who care and love your writing, plus many, many more. So do it for us, do it for yourself….as Nike once said, “just do it”

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